Nuha asked 2 months ago

Hello. I hope your safe and happy!
I’m a 20 year old girl who is originally from an arabic country but Raised in Norway. I have 2 siblings but i’m the oldest. Please I have some questions and need your help and advice . First May allah grand you paradise and thank you for taking your time to read this.
My family is very complicated.. My mother is extremely sick and she uses wheelchair allthough she still very young. She needs help with everything.. Changing her clothes, Personal hygiene, Going to the toilet etc. She have nurses where they come twice a day and help her but when they aren’t here since i’m the oldest i have to help her. Sometimes my father helps her do..
But there is a black side to this.. My mother sickness is all by black magic and god’s will obv.
The thing is.. My father have sexually abused me since i was 10 until i turned 15. He dad because my mother couldn’t satisfy him so i had to. It makes me sick to think about what he did to me and i couldn’t forget it. It breaks my everything and i even have gotten mentally sick because of it. Anyway all that my mother knew and she couldn’t do anything because she is sick and she needs him.
My problem is that i can’t help my mother anymore with going to the toilet anymore.. I feel so bad and i think allah will punish me but everytime i think about what both of them did to me.. It makes me sick.
I feel so selfish and i’m so afraid that allah will punish me for doing this to my mother.. But at the same time it’s very hard to have a sick mother at such young age.. She have been sick over 15 years.. since i was a baby.
I’m tired and so sick of everything but i feel so bad because i feel selfish that i’m maybe being rude to my mother. But i couldn’t forgive them..
I’m so afraid and all i want is god to take my out of this planet because i feel sad and bad all the time.
What do you advise me to do?
Thank you