QuestionsCategory: Character & Moralswill-allah-have-mercy-am-i-done-for
Mercy asked 2 years ago

Selam aleykum, i dont even want to mention my name beacuse i am very ashamed of my wrong doingsyou guys are my only hope, please answer i am desperate after answers or im going insane. thank you for your patience hope this is not too long.So i always liked to pray since i was 8 years old, time went and i abandoned salah but went back, and always back and forth like that. the big sin i did was when i turned 14-15-16 something like that when i was laying in my bed and my sister came she was only like 5 years i think and she started to touch me on my private part licking and so on, i did the same. i am so ashamed that i wish allah gave me cancer only if i knew he would forgive me. everytime i think about it i feel disgusted i cant sleep at night i have read somewhere that if this happends you should be punished by death.so what did i do? i prayed and i cried for allah forgivness. for like 2 years. but i feel like i wont be forgive for that sin since our beloved prophet wanted to kill one who did that. so no chance allah will forgive me, i am done for, i stopped praying beacuse if i forget islam i wont feel guilty about that sin, 1 year later i cant still forget about it, i cant leave islam , i cant leave allah, and it will haunt me untill my death and i cant take it no more i want to get back to allah it feels impossible.my sister doesent remember since she was little. but me, i dont feel like living anymore this is really a big sin, the only thing that keeps me alive is that if i suicide allah will take me to jahannam but wont he do it either way ? i know what you think \”how the hell is this even possible, how can someone even do that, you cant even belive it\” i dont even know myself, please my brother you and allah is my only hope please send the answer in my mail